Getting Older Versus Looking Older

Getting older happens to everybody. You can't stop time, and it is simply a fact of life. But you can help from looking older. Specifically, looking older than you actually are. I like to drive my friends nuts by telling perfect strangers that I am 50. I look fabulous for 50!! (I am 44). Judging by the reactions of my friends, however, this does not appear to be the magical solution I was hoping for. So how can we stop time on our face, or at least slow it down? Magazines are full of products claiming to reverse aging, but let me 'splain the facts, ma'am:

There is no miracle cream. Stop searching.
Surgery is an option for those who can afford it, but that too, has a time limit on how long and how well it works.
Genetics are what they are. Please feel free to blame your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents etcetera.
Facials do bubcus.
Microdermabrasion is short term effective and you can never go without sun screen again.
I have never done laser treatments and neither has anyone I know, so don't ask me.

So let's look at what does work, shall we?

Drinking water. I know you tried this in your 20's, with so-so results, but guess what? Now it will actually help....as everything that is physically going wrong with you now shows up more on your face. (Think of your newer, older hangover face. See what I mean?)

Botox. For a 3 month lift, and it is expensive. When over done, you get to look constantly suprised. Not a bad thing, if you live with either a magician or a clown. Drawbacks are that you create a toxic load on your liver (Oh really, you just thought it dispersed into the air? It has to go through that giant filter in your belly first). Headaches are also a real possiblity. (Hold on a second, I have to go get some tylenol).

Hylauranic Acid. This is an ingredient, if done properly in a cream, will actually help your skin heal faster. It is what our skin makes to repair itself (that weird clear stuff that comes out in a cut....that's it).

Exfoliate, exfoliate,  exfoliate. The only thing that helps your skin renew and repair itself is your skin. Sloughing off that hard yucky layer EVERYDAY will help your skin not only to look nicer and softer but renew itself faster. Creams will work better. Lines will look softer. I will product speak on this issue as I have some faves. Apricot scrub. Cheapie drug store stuff. Put it in your shower. Use every morning. Neostrata makes 2 expensive products that I purchase on a semi regular basis. Their micro dermabrasion kit and their pure glycolic acid peeling kit. Glycolic acid is a mean machine for skin removal (see Feet First blog). Also, their face creams are loaded with glycolic acid, so pick one. But get ready for some zits to pop up first month (stuck crap coming out of your face) and to wear your sun screen when using them.

Eye cream. Yes it is different from a face cream. Won't cause those weird white zits around your eyes. Often has something in it to get rid of water retention, aka 'puffiness'.

Wash your face before bed. Honestly....what are you thinking? Going to bed with a dirty face. Blechy! Your face does a lot of its repairing at night, so stop choking off the oxygen and let thy face breathe!

Omega 3 oil. You swallow it, don't put it on your face. (Smelling like a fish: never sexy). Think of it as adding moisture from the inside out.

Vitamin C. You put it on your face, you don't swallow it. Radiance and rejuvination are yours, my friend, if you use this. May also help fade age spots. Do not buy the expensive one, find one in the natural section at your grocery/pharmacy.

Wear a sunscreen. When you are in the sun, not everyday! How the heck are you going to get enough vitamin D if you have a heavy chemical choking your skin EVERY DAY. Better yet, wear a hat. Add some cool sunglasses and people will think you are a celebrity, fresh out of re-hab.

Wear sunglasses. The causes for wrinkles, beyond the crazy life you are leading, is expression. Laugh lines, cool. Squint lines, unless you live in a sunny climate 24/7; unnecessary.

And excercise, eat right, blah, blah, blah; you know the drill. I have followed a lot of my own advice over the years and I don't think I look old for my age. (The reverse on the whole gene's connection: my mother takes full credit. Every chance she can). You have to get older. But you don't always have to look it!

I'm Makin' a List and Checkin' it Twice

Oooo, I am all a buzz! We are planning a ladies only trip to Vegas, baby, yeah! I have until June to prep, so here is the plan, Stan:

Lose 15 more pounds (even if it means removal of a body part);
Grow hair 3 inches (on my head.....bikini, leg and arm hair will be gone);
Get varicose veins done (don't want any little bluey veiny thingys making my cottage cheese thighs look worse);
Get rid of cottage cheese thighs (?);
Keep feet in excellent condition (see previous blog);
Grow nails (do absolutely no housework for the next 2 months (?);
Bleach teeth (just one of those drugstore ones will do nicely, my teeth are not that stained....I only drink white wine);
Pre-tan (if it is snowing in May still, I am walking dogs in my bathing suit);
Find a bathing suit that will a) suck in my gut even if I am in taking copious amounts of fluid and food; b) hold up my boobs without breaking my neck; c) make my thighs look skinnier and d) make me not look like I am in one of those weird swimming movies from the 1930's.

There's my list. Stay tuned.

Fountain of Youth: Friends are Welcome!

I have been thinking (yes, it hurts), that I may have found the secret to staying youthful. Friends. Especially friends that I have had for a long, long time. It is true that when I look at them I very seldom notice weight changes (unless it is drastic), new hair styles or wrinkles. They look the same to me as when we were into our 20's. These are the friends that even though you haven't seen each other in days, weeks or months....the conversation starts off like you were talking to them yesterday. They are the people who can only tell the minute physical differences;  when you are tired, stressed or ill....not even by looking at you, but by the sound of your voice. These are also the ladies who remember you when you were the friend with the longest legs, or the biggest boobs, or the curliest hair. No matter how old I get, I still think of my friends (in appearance) by those physical attributes I admired most. Even if my 'skinny bitch' friend has gained 20 pounds, she is still, well, the skinny bitch in our group. So even though we have gotten heavier, stuff has started to sag and we are wrinkling........our brains have created a fountain of youth; where all of our friends are welcome.

The Quicker Picker Upper

Hello ladies and gems! Sorry for the long delay but I am back from vacation and feeling slightly refreshed. Wanna know why? I got botoxed.

More fun than losing ten pounds (yes, I hit it); less painless than dropping a kettlebell on your toe and a quicker pick me up than a crack latte.....botox between the brows has made me feel about 5 years younger! (And for some surveys and government forms; that puts me in a different age category). I feel elevated and awake and enjoy the lack of grumpiness the furrow of my brow exuded, when none was intended. How does it look? Not over done like Maddona or Nicole Kidman (from a year back), but I am about 2 months away from being able to express concern without making a 'tsk, tsk' sound. My Spock brow almost works, but I don't get the full effect.....I do more of a Captain Kirk trying to get laid by an alien chic kinda brow. Too trekkie? I digress.

Vacation was full of fast and slow food, chronic alcohol consumption and a complete lack of use of the excercise equipment I meant to bring. The dog even got less. So I imagine my weight loss was due mostly to muscle depreciation and fat acceleration. (Fat weighs less than muscle. Go figure. I wish cellulite weighed even less. I would either float away or most certainly be hovering in this office chair). Today I have eaten well, exercised moderately and given myself the Captain Kirk gettin' laid brow more than once in the mirror:)

Most Excellent

Wowie, wow, wow...what a great day yesterday! Got soaking wet, had to change boots, jackets and gloves three times, but what a great work out! Imagine being on a stair climber with 3 pound weights on for about 2 and a half hours while feeling like a wet sponge....that was my workout. And with good friends and scenery to boot. (Speaking of boots......yesterday I actually cracked both soles on my Sorels. I  have walked so much, that I wore out my boots! Ever heard of that?) And I am loving up Green Tea Extract. Not so good for my blood pressure, but great for energy boosting.

Last day of work for me and then I am off to the Great White North with the kiddies. I am bringing the kettlebell, a yoga mat and the dog for exercise equipment. Over eating is not going to be a problem on 'vacation' as I will be doing all the cooking. It is not really vacation, just cleaning up and cooking in someone else's house. A real vacation involves a beach or pool, open bar and no kitchen or laundry room. Anything less is just job relocation. My ideal vacation? Being teletransported to a hot climate with a beach and a hammock, swim up pool bar, a buffet, a great book and some guy named Juan giving shoulder massages. That is seriously, most excellent!

Popcorn, NOT

I am feeling amazing! Still only at 7 and a half pounds lost, but whatever. I went to a movie last night, bought popcorn to bring home for my girls and didn't even touch it! I have 6 witnesses!!!! (Okay, they did have to withhold the popcorn from me. They kept passing it over my head so I couldn't grab it). So energy, sleep and all round feel goodiness is back, and good thing....3 hours of walking today in waist high snow. Green Tea Extract seems to helping quite a bit. And I have that 'skinny bitch' feeling....you know, where pants are loose, jackets zip up easier and rings slip on and off without the use of a lubricant. (I know, I snicker at that word too!). Alright, minds out of the gutter kittens, and off to work I go.

Feet First

I have size 12 feet. That is a 10 men's. Yes, they are gynormous....but for the many that have seen my giant tosies when I have whipped them out unexpectedly to show people what's in those galactic shoes; that doesn't have to mean nasty knarly feet. So here is what you need to do, and it is simple to keep your feet lovely and soft and beach ready year round (that sound bite sounded like it came right out of a cheesy fashion magazine. Blech!):

1) Don't just keep a sander in your shower; use it. Every shower. And not those metallic shredders OR the light sand paper ones you get in the grocery store. I like a professional wood handled sander; Dannyco #531. Buy it in beauty supply stores, it is what the professionals use.

2) Keep your cuticles at bay with a sanding stone: Sally Hansen makes one cheap cheap. Do this as often as your toes need it. Simply rub your cuticles away....no clipping, creams or peeling.

3) The BEST foot cream on the planet: Philosophy 'Soul Owner'. Enough glycolic acid to remove all your dead skin and paint from paint brushes. Use at least twice a week to make sanding easier.

4) Keep your toes clipped with a nail clipper. File in one direction only and make sure you keep your nails no longer than the edge of your toes. Otherwise you look like you have witches feet or Pamela Anderson's claw like toenails (yes, I look at celebrity feet). You can also use a nail buffer to get rid of nail discolouration from previous polishes.

5) Common problem; nail fungus. Causes discolouration of nails and toe nail fall off. Not sexy. Instead of the liver-killing stuff from the doctor, take Oil of Oregano tablets everyday, and put pure Oil of Oregano straight from the bottle on you infected toes. Quick results, but you have to keep taking the pills everyday to keep the fungus at bay. (Think burping spaghetti sauce).

6) Warts: Don't feel like a witch, go and get Dr. Scholl"s Clear Away Medicated Discs. Only thing that really works on warts fast and effectively. Uses salicylic acid to remove warts by keeping a constant coverage from a disc applicator/bandage. Only thing that really works.

7) Bunions: shame on you for wearing improper fitting shoes all your life! Just kidding! Happens to the best of us. Surgery is the only official option, and wearing shoes that fit. I highly recommend orthotics for days when you are wearing flats...it readjusts your posture and gives your knees, hips and back the alignment and break they need. We will discuss this more when we get to posture.

8) Toe hair. Don't think you have it? Check again. One word: NAIR.

9) Callouses: they are there for a reason. Improper fitting shoes. You can use the foot cream to soften and the sander to remove; but they will keep coming back to protect the bone in your foot, until you get better shoes.

All of these things work. I have either used them on myself or a family member. Years of experimentation have gone into this article. Think of me as the Tim Ferriss of ladies feet! And I have the largest lab of any ladies I know!